I think that everyone has certain expectations of the people around them that aren't always met. For me it is the expectation that people will notice that I am tired, frustrated, or hurting. The fact that they don't notice makes me feel even more tired, frustrated, and hurt.
I am currently in a place where it is hard not to think that that person is doing that delibratley to hurt me and make my life more miserable. I feel like I express myself clearly and let people know what I need from them and my personal boundaries are.
One of my things is I absolutely hate noise. You would think that with a million kids and a lot of foot traffic around the house that I would be accustomed to it by now...but I hate it. Everyday I think that me getting upset about too much noise the day before would make people realize how much I hate it and they'd stop. I know that I am being unreasonable to expect a quiet, calm, home with even non-"hyper" children.
I am woken up multiple times every night by people walking around, cooking, talking, this is only increasing my irritability. I feel like I want to burst out of my body and just scream at everyone to shut the hell up, except I do that, and it still doesn't work.
I guess what I am saying is that I work my ass off to make sure that we have food, and the rent is paid, and my kids get the education that is rightfully theirs, and the millions of trips to doctors for help for them. I just want to feel like I have a purpose in life and that someone notices how hard I try to juggle everything. It really is just too much for me to be perfect at everything all at once. I guess I am the hardest on myself because i want everything to be perfect in every aspect of my life (who doesn't).
I get criticized by people that don't know my kids or the struggles I face every day, People who dropping $200 on a coat is no big thing, or having a car that runs and having the money to maintain it, or being able to keep their houses perfect and spotless. Every day I am glad I get through it. I ask for help from my mom on ocassion for babysitting or something similar, and the minute I do my mom makes a comment indicating because I am asking for her help that I am inferior as a mother.
I remember my whole life my mother was extremely critical of me. Every second of the day. I try to not fall into that trap. Although I do have my beliefs that children should not be so stuck on herself. My oldest daughter has been taught that if I can't drop everything to go bring her the homework she forgot that that really means I don't love her and I hope she doesn't succeed. She gives me an attitude if I don't have a $1.00 to put in a vending machine. Like, why don't you? I try to teach her that family is more important then things. She is such a beautiful, awesome kid that it really breaks my heart to see her turning into something I don't recognize. I try to tell her otherwise but then she's been so poisoned it is difficult. If someone can just spend all this money on her and I can't that means that I don't care about her. I get stuff from charities like food, and christmas presents, and she knows that, and she will ask "did you buy this or did you get it for free?" Because if I get it for free it is meaningless to her. Even though I went out of my way to find it for her or sign up for the programs it is not enough if I didn't personally spend the money on it.
This stuff is eating me alive. All I want is to be valued and appreciated and I am sorry if that sounds selfish but seriously what human being doesn't want that? No one is going to feel that way every day, especially not by children who don't understand that life is different for other kids.
Anyway, I needed to vent, because if I didn't this anger and resentment would've built up. whether I have a "right" to be angry or resentful or not these feelings are still here, and must be released.
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